As a hospice doctor, death and dying are kind of my bread and butter. Having had the privilege of meeting hundreds of patients at various chapters of their dying journey, I have gained a lifetime’s worth of golden nuggets that have re-shaped my perspective of life, suffering and death.
Some words have stuck closer than others - here are some of the most poignant deathbed statements I have heard.
I wish I could do more to help the people in the world
Lottie* was 65, with an aggressive ovarian cancer that had basically invaded all of her pelvic nerves and organs, causing significant neuropathic pain. Think of ‘funny elbow’ pain, and multiple that by a hundred fold - that was what Lottie had to deal with every second of every day.
‘I wish I could be doing more to help the people in the world. There are children drowning while trying to flee war, and here I am watching TV in a warm shelter.’ Lottie said this to me one day when I asked if there was anything more we could do to help her.
This was a woman literally bed bound with pain, who longed to be out in the war field holding refugee children.
Don’t wait to be ‘rich’, ‘retired’ or ‘better equipped’ to serve others. Life is fragile - that time may not come. Who you are and what you have now is more than sufficient to help the people around you.
Cancer is bad but life is still good
Dot* was 82, with an invasive anal cancer. This meant she wasn’t able to sit like a regular person; she required a special donut pillow alongside frequent repositioning and a cocktail of carefully tailored painkillers to be able to sit up semi-comfortably.
‘Cancer is bad but life is still good’ - was something she said to us at each juncture that a new obstacle arose. During her time with us, Dot experienced (1) horrible side effects from pain medication, (2) pressure sores from long hours on the donut pillow, (3) bad food poisoning that hit the ward over the Christmas weekend - yet she always reminded us to look at the good in life, no matter what was happening. She reflected that during those events, she was grateful for (1) access to medication, (2) innovative equipment, and (3) hot food, and thus had nothing to complain about.
Count every single one of your blessings - surely not everything in your life is going wrong. With an attitude of gratitude, we may see more of the beautiful than the bleak. We may not be able to change our circumstances, but changing our approach to the trials may well be the turning point between thriving and surviving.
We don’t need that crystal ball
Jimmy* was 39 with a bone cancer that had started in his ribs and spread through his spine. Once an avid footballer, he was now barely able to lift his head up without support due to the bony destruction in his neck. He had lost 60 pounds in under 6 weeks, becoming a mere shell of the muscular frame he once sported.
That morning, I had apologised to Jimmy and his family when they asked that million-dollar question, ‘how long more’. Jimmy surprised me by telling me there was no need for that elusive crystal ball I often spoke of. He was going to live life just the same whether he had 2 days or 2 months left; he didn’t want to leave anything unsaid or undone.
We don’t need to know the future - we should learn to live intentionally and boldly regardless of what it holds. Don’t wait to host your elderly neighbour for dinner; don’t wait to spend that extra $2 on sprinkles atop your ice-cream; don’t take anyone or anything for granted.
None of these lessons are particularly ‘new’ or ‘innovative’, but they have all been life-changing for me, and I hope they are for you too.
This week’s reflection prompt: What wisdom would you wish to impart on your deathbed?
*All names and details have been changed to protect patient confidentiality
This is lovely Eden, thank you. Put the sprinkles on the ice cream, do the things!
One never knows for sure what they will feel towards the end but sharing these thoughts clarifies how we should try to live that's for sure.